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Michel: People are particularly stupid today. I can’t talk to anymore of them.
Lorelai: There are several chapters from a Stephen King novel I’d reenact before I resorted to that option.
Lorelai: I need you to be civil, at least through dinner, and then on theyway home you can pull a Menendez. Deal?
Lorelai: I’m gonna get a Coke...or a knife.
Rory: So you just want to hold a grudge. Lorelai: Yes, it burns more calories.
Dean: So am I public enemy number one with you? Lorelai: Number one? I don’t know. Would you settle for top five? I’m still a little hot for that crazy bomber guy who has been living in a cave for a year. Lorelai: I don’t hate you. Dean: No? Lorelai: No. Though I did imagine twenty different ways
to remove your head from your body.
Rory : You're feeling pretty good about yourself right now, aren't you. Lorelai: Yeah (still smiling) Rory: Do you want me to get you a mirror? Lorelai: I'm back. Let's go.
Luke: Your mother called me an idiot. Lorelai: Wow, you must have sucked up good.
Lorelai: I told her she should go out for the debating team. Rory: It’s not a sport. Lorelai: It is the way the Gilmore’s play.
Lorelai: You don’t care at all, do you? Michel: To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon.
Lorelai: You want something to drink? Rory: Are you trying to make-up? Lorelai: No I am trying to hydrate you.
Emily: You brought us used dessert?
Emily: Rory, correct me if I’m wrong, but men have walked on the moon regardless of whether your mother remembers it or not. Rory: That’s the rumor.
Rory: So, is this party grandma's having going to be a big deal? Lorelai: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half mast. Barbra Streisand will giveher final concert - again. The pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming. And they're bringing chips. Rory: That's my mom, she's 90% water and 10% caffeine. Lorelai: That lothario over there has wormed his way into my daughter’s heart and mouth and for that he must die. Luke: That’s it, let’s go. Lorelai: No. Luke: You’re not going to kill the bagboy. Lorelai: Why not? Luke: It’s double coupon day, you’ll bring down the town. Lorelai: Stop saying mother like that. Rory: Like what? Lorelai: Like there should be another word after it? Rory: I just don’t want to do or say anything else that’s going
to be remotely moronic. Lorelai: I’m afraid once your heart is involved it all comes out in moron. Lorelai: Hey, How is it out there? Michel: It is cold and gray, like a fat, dead pigeon.
Michel: The thrilling sensation of getting lost in a blizzard or freezing to death in the woods and having to eat your friend’s buttocks to stay alive, that is lost on many people. Lorelai: Will you tell grandma and grandpa that I’m going to be late...and that I’m having Satan’s baby? You pick the order. Emily: A bad storm is heading your way. It’s already hitting us here. Lorelai: Don’t panic. I’ll get the arc, you get the animals.
Richard: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account? Rory: I’m good. Lorelai: All I ever said to her about dances is that you go, you dance, you have punch, you eat, you take pictures and then you get auctioned off to a biker gang from Sausalito. Emily: You’re making her dress? But, why? Lorelai: Well, so she’ll look really ugly and people will point and throw rocks. Emily: We’re in here? That’s how you answer the door? Lorelai: Well, I was all out of Saran Wrap. Emily: I don’t even want to figure that one out. Lorelai: I want a pet. Rory: You have me. Lorelai: You won’t bring me my slippers in the morning. Rory: I might if you had slippers.
Rory: You know what it means when a man loans you a book, don’t you? Lorelai: That he’s already read it. Rory: Yep. Lorelai: Wow! Zero to jackass in 3.2 seconds. Emily: Kissing a teacher! In a classroom! On parent’s day! Lorelai: Well they want us to get more involved with the school. Lane: We’re going to a movie with Dean. Lorelai: Nothing dirty, violent, or French, please.
Lorelai: I have to know where you are at all time,
especially when you have my shoes on. Lorelai: You know it doesn’t always work to just
lock a kid up and throw away the key. Mrs. Kim: I didn’t throw away the key. It’s in the kitchen.
Dean: Every day. After school you come out and you sit under that tree there and you read. Last week it was Madame Bovary. This week it's Moby Dick. Rory: But why would you— Dean: You're nice to look at, and because you've got unbelievable concentration. Last Friday these two guys were tossing around a ball and one guy nailed the other right in the face. I mean, it was a mess, blood everywhere, the nurse came out, the place was in chaos, his girlfriend was all freaking out, and you just sat there and read. I mean, you never even looked up. I thought, 'I have never seen anyone read so intensely before in my entire life. I have to meet that girl'.
Max: You like coffee? Can we drink some together? A sort of pre-date. Very casual, no strings, no obligations. We'll just see if it's even worth going down the road of including food in the deal. Just coffee. Lorelai: I'm going to be in town tomorrow because I take a class at Hartford State and there's a coffee shop across the street that I sometimes, almost all the time, go to around 4:00 and usually exactly 4:12. I could not stop a person from entering said establishment around that time, nor would I avoid them if I knew them if they did.
Emily: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week. Richard: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?
Max: At some point in your life you're gonna have to decide that some guy is worth opening that front door for. I am just volunteering.
Max: You are like a mythological creature that casts some kind of spell on me and makes me act stupid. I'm not stupid. I don't act stupid with anyone else.
Lorelai: What's going on? Michel: Am I or am I not the head man in charge of floral deliveries?" Lorelai: Yes, and one of the few men I know who would proudly declare that fact.
Rory: Do something to make me hate you! Lorelai: Um, go Hitler?
[turns to Rory and says sarcastically]
Jess: So Courtney, what about you?
Sookie: [petrified] Uncle Ernie hugged me too long!
Paris: Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red. Madline: I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad. Louise: She was being sarcastic. Madline: Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month
Michel: [about Paris] She's back! She's coming back! Lorelai: What? Why? Michel: I don't know - maybe she forgot her phone, or her spell book, or something.
Zach: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark? Brian: What? Zach: It says, a bulwark never failing. Zach: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay. Brian: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something. Zach: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.
Zach: [singing] I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see. Mrs. Kim: Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune. Brian: Was she looking at me? Zach: She wasn't looking at me, dude.
Lorelai: Boy, you'd think love songs are all you and Lane would wanna play. Zach: Man, this crunch just now sounded like the drum-fill in Baba O'Reilly. Dave: Yeah, Zach, a musical mouth. That's awesome. Zach: But why would Dave and Lane wanna play just love songs? Lorelai: Because, I was just thinking, you know, with Dave's name - Dave - you've got the last two letters in love. V, E. And with Lane's name, you have the L. You can just dump the A and add an O and there you go.
Luke: Where you gonna live? ...Hartford's probably good, closer to Rory's school... Of course, it is a little far from the inn... But who knows how long you'll work after you're married... Oh, but you probably already talked about that, right? Lorelai: Uh, no, but I do think he and my father have come to an agreement on how many goats I'm worth. Luke: Hey, I'm just talking here. It's great, really. You gonna have more kids?
Lorelai: Honey, someday when you're a little older you will be introduced to something that is extremely seductive but fickle. A fair-weather friend who seems benign but packs a wallop like a donkey kick, and that is the Long Island iced tea. The Long Island iced tea makes you do things that you normally wouldn't do, like lifting your skirt in public or calling someone you normally wouldn't call at really weird times.
Lorelai: It's a long story. I don't really wanna go into all the whats and whys and gory details right now... and to figure out exactly what happened, you'd have to dig up Freud himself and have him work on me full time.
Luke: You're the most confident person I know. Obnoxiously so. You're good at what you do and you know it. Lorelai: I'm good at doing what I have to do. When I had to get a job, I got it. When I had to find a house for us and a life for us, I got it. When I had to get Rory into Chilton, I did it. But I don't have to leave the Independence Inn. I don't have to go into business for myself.
Mia: You sure you don't want some tea? Tea usually makes things like this a little less awkward. There's things to hold and stir.
Lorelai: How often do you get to see teenagers speak iambic pentameter and kill themselves?
Zach: Dude, Brian's breathing is louder than the song. Brian: I've got a deviated septum. All the women in my family and me have it. Zach: Well, it's throwing me off. Lane: Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved. Okay, come on, now, let's rock. One, two, three... Zach: Wait. The bottom line here is that breathing should not be louder than a rock band. Am I right or am I right?
Dave: Anyhow, I hadn't seen you in a while, and I thought I'd come down and maybe we could figure something out on this band issue. Lane: Sure, we could do that. Dave: Plus, I missed you. Lane: You did? You missed me? Dave: Well, yeah. Did you miss me? Lane: Oh, yeah, definitely. I definitely, definitely missed you. Dave: Glad and relieved to hear it
Lane: The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing. Rory: Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke. Lane: Definitely thought up by a man. Rory: My mom said that when she told me where babies come from. Lane: My mom still hasn't told me. Rory: Really? Lane: When my cousin got pregnant, she said it's because an angel brushed its wings against her face. Rory: I could fill you in on the details sometime if you want. Lane: No thanks, I've picked it up off the streets.
Rory: So I was thinking that maybe we could move it from this Saturday to next Saturday? Paris: Okay. Madline: What did she say? Louise: What did you say? Paris: I said okay.
[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in] Lorelai: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in. Rory: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now. Lorelai: Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing. Rory: Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium. Lorelai: [dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it.
[on phone] Lorelai: Hey Mom! Emily: Well, hello. Lorelai: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you? Emily: No, she did not. Lorelai: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look. Emily: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved. Lorelai: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it. Emily: Well, good for you. Lorelai: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models. Emily: Excuse me? Lorelai: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup. Emily: Lorelai, you can't be serious. Lorelai: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also. Emily: This is ridiculous. Lorelai: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future? Emily: All right. Lorelai: Start measuring.
[hangs up] Rory: You feel better now? Lorelai: Waffle's very happy.
Brian: [discussing names for the band] How about "The We"? Zach: We? Brian: Yeah. We are "The We." Zach: I can't talk about this anymore.
Lorelai: I love my little circus freak.
Rory: Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown
Lorelai: I love ranting Luke.
Sherry: I'm gonna have to drink a lot of coffee to keep up with you two.
Emily: Richard, you didn’t even notice your own granddaughter isn’t here? Richard: She’s so quiet she sometimes slips in unnoticed. She should work for the CIA.
Rory: I mean, we’re not good friends but we’re friends. We’re friendly... Friendish might be a better term.
Rory: You seem to have a very firm grasp of the English language. You put together several full sentences, even using a couple of words that contain two or more syllables, and then my mother appears and suddenly we need a thought bubble over your head to understand what you’re thinking. Can you tell me why that is? Jess: The verbal thing comes and goes.
Lorelai: I don't know what anything means anymore. I mean, I can't even read my own handwriting. What does this say? The person who wrote this should be dressed in a clown suit stuffing bodies under their porch.
Rory: If we were gazelles, we’d be the first ones eaten at the watering hole. Lorelai: Well, be thankful we’re not gazelles. Now go take your shower. You’re starting to look like you’re starring in an independent film.
Michel: Well, you know what happens when you assume. Lorelai: What? Michel: I don't know. Something about a donkey. It is a stupid American phrase. Lorelai: I just broke up with someone. Luke: Yeah. Lorelai: We'd been dating for a few months now. Luke: I figured there was someone in the picture. Lorelai: You did? How? Luke: Just clues. You know, you never dressed weather-appropriate, that kind of thing.
Rory: What's with the carrots? Lorelai: I was afraid you weren't eating well at school. Rory: Ohhh. Lorelai: Marshmallow?
Rory: I have to perform Act Five of "Romeo and Juliet" with Paris, Madeline and Louise. Lorelai: Really? Rory: Paris has appointed herself as director. Lorelai: Nice. What part are you playing? Rory: I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow. Lorelai: Screen tests? Rory: 24 takes. Lorelai: Ah, I so want a copy. Rory: Forget it. Lorelai: Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. 'First we brought you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the crazy antics of Rory and the Bard.' Rory: Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you tomorrow at three. Lorelai: What? Rory: Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous work and, uh, referrals. Lorelai: And my bare butt to kiss? Rory: If you think that will set you apart from the other applicants, yes.
Tobin: Michel, did you get a bagel? Michel: I don't want a bagel. Tobin: Are you sure? They're kosher. Michel: I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die. Sookie: Ew! Shut up!
Rory: Oh, my god. Lorelai: What? Rory: He hired Brennon Lewis. Lorelai: And? Rory: Ew! Lorelai: He doesn't look that bad. Rory: He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands, and then ate a sandwich. Lorelai: Ew! Rory: He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He watched 'The Breakfast Club' and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.
[Lorelai wants Luke to fire the annoying new guy he hired] Lorelai: He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him. Luke: What are butt napkins? Lorelai: Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back pocket. Luke: Hey, Bren? Brennon Lewis: Yeah, boss? Luke: Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket? Brennon Lewis: Yeah. Luke: Don't. Brennon Lewis: Okay.
Lorelai: You lost me at carrots, which was the first draft of 'you had me at hello'.
Lorelai: So, apparently, I'm now the Reigning Lorelai. Rory: Huh. I guess you are. Lorelai: It's a lot of responsibility. Rory: Well, sure. Lorelai: I mean, it's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays. Declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets. But now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp. Rory: Neat. And coins. Lorelai: Yeah, and coins. You know, someday you'll be the Reigning Lorelai. Rory: I don't like that idea! Lorelai: Why not? You get a cape. Rory: Because if I'm the Reigning Lorelai, then that means you'll be gone. Lorelai: Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not going to pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture. Rory: I am scared of horses. Lorelai: I know that. Rory: So there's a cape, huh?
Sookie: He's not much of a morning person... It takes him about an hour to become Jackson.
Rory: Are you going to talk to him? Lorelai: I'll at least match him grunt for grunt. Rory: Okay. Now, let’s say he’s in the house and there’s a fire, and you can either save him or your shoes – which is it? Lorelai: That depends – did he start the fire?
Rory: I made out a schedule. Every single moment of every single day from now until graduation is accounted for.
Rory: I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything.
Rory: Are you listening to me? I can't leave. She won't let me leave ever. This is Iran in '79 and you are Jimmy Carter. What do we do?"
Rory: My grandmother broke into our room and furnished it...
Luke: Stop doing that. Looking at me. You're watching me watch the movie. It's creepy. Lorelai: I enjoy watching people watch certain parts of certain movies. Luke: But you look over just before something big happens, so I always know something's coming.
Lorelai: The plural of cul-de-sac is culs-de-sac? That doesn't even sound like English. Rory: That's because it's French.
Lorelai: I have a gigantic bottle of vodka at my place - the largest bottle of vodka known to man. Jason: But what will you drink? Lorelai: Gin.
Lorelai: Rory... right now is the point in the horror movie where the entire audience is yelling, 'Don't go in there.
Lorelai: The cats -- they know that I've broken up with Jason and that I'm alone and they've decided it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady... they can see it in my face. 'She's single again. She couldn't make it work again. She picked the wrong guy again.'
Graham: Lesson number one - when your mom or your grandmother starts trying to pin down your specific whereabouts at a specific time and place, and she's smiling kind of weird, begin evasive maneuvers immediately.
Lane: Did I lose? Rory: Well, you have no head, so probably. Lane: So this is what teenage boys are doing instead of watching television? Seems like a lateral move.
Lorelai: What happened? The reception on the phone sucked. All I heard was "Rory" and "Chilton" and "Get down here." Whose butt do I have to kick? Rory: We didn't go to breakfast. Lorelai: What are you talking about? Rory: We came here. They broke into the headmaster's office as the big initiation. Lorelai: Ugh, those stupid girls. Rory: Uh huh. Part of the initiation was ringing a bell. So, that's what I was doing when security showed up and they called you. Lorelai: That's what you got busted for? That's it? Bell-ringing? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: Were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it? Rory: Mom. Lorelai: No, I mean, "bad girl, how many times have I told you not to ring bells?" Rory: [interrupting] Let's go. Lorelai: [continuing] "They can dent, or scratch, and they make dogs go crazy. Who do you think you are, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Are you French? Circular? I don't think so." Rory: I'm walking to the car now. Lorelai: [later] Was it a big bell at least?
Emily: You traded my Baccarat candlesticks for a sneering, slightly pornographic monkey lamp?
Logan: Rory, you're special. Rory: Like "stop-eating-the-paste" special?
Marty: Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result.
[notices Anna] Marty: Hey. Rory: This is Anna. Marty: [gasps excitedly] Did Paris move? Paris: [from behind] I'm right here, Marty. Marty: I know, Paris.
Marty: [Rory missed breakfast] Well, hey, you want some eggs or something? I always take enough for ten. I blame my brother. He always took the biggest piece of chicken. Rory: And left you none? Marty: No, there was plenty more. I just wanted the biggest piece.
Rory: Asher Flemming is dead. Marty: In bed? Rory: No Marty: Damn, I lost the pool.
Sookie: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes. Michel: Are there 12? Sookie: 12 what? Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast. Sookie: Or what? Michel: What do you mean, or what? Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries? Michel: This is a silly conversation. Sookie: Would you die? Michel: Just hand me the plate. Sookie: Only if you don't count. Michel: I won't count. Sookie: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.' Michel: [raises his hand] ... Pick another group. Sookie: Nope. Michel: [slams hand down] I hate you! Hate you!
Marty: Okay. I remember something about Rome. Rome. Rome. Romans live there. Audrey Hepburn took a holiday there. It's the name of a B52s song. Rory: Different Rome. Marty: Okay. That's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know, it's making me feel stupid.
Tristan: And she's reading again. How novel. Rory: Good-bye, Tristan. Tristan: Did you get the novel thing? Because... Rory: I said good-bye. Tristan: What are you doing here? Rory: I like lines. Tristan: The guy's supposed to buy the tickets. Rory: Really. Does Susan Faludi know about this? Tristan: Unless of course there is no guy. Rory: There's a guy Tristan: A Cheap guy. Rory: Well, what can I say? I like 'em cheap. Sloppy too - bald spot, beer gut, you know, and the pants that kind of slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot. That sends me through the roof. Tristan: So who is he? Rory: How many languages can you say 'none of your business' in. Tristan: Does he go to this school? Rory: No, he doesn't. Tristan: Uh-huh. Well, look, OK, I'll confess something to you. I don't have a date. Rory: Well I hear Squeaky Fromme is up for parole soon. You should keep a good thought.
Miss Patty: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow. Emily: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai? Lorelai: Ab fab, sweetie darling. Emily: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy? Gypsy: Please make your mother stop talking to me. Lorelai: If only I had that power.
Emily: Obviously you have a maid. Christopher: Yes, I have a maid-nanny combo. Emily: Ah, how McDonald's of you.
Luke: [alarm goes off] Sorry, I forgot to turn the alarm off. Lorelai: Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm.
[pause] Lorelai: What time is it? Luke: Early. Lorelai: Hate early. Must kill early.
[pause] Lorelai: Okay, gotta get up. Luke: Why? Lorelai: Work. Inn. Buy shoes. Oh, my God, I can't move. I need coffee.
Lorelai: Can I use the fun cutter thingy? Luke: Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy. Lorelai: Please? Luke: Cut the boxes, not your hands. Lorelai: Good tip, you should teach!
Luke: It's the kind of lock burglars look for. Lorelai: Why do burglars look for that lock? Luke: Because it's easy to break into. I proved that. Lorelai: You proved that by...? Luke: Breaking in through the back door.
Rory: So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal? Lorelai: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert... again. Rory: Uh-huh. Lorelai: Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.
Richard: Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear? Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.
Rory: One of the girls already hates me. The guys are weird. Lorelai: Weirder than other guys? Rory: Yeah, they kept calling me Mary. Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow, I can't believe they still say that. Rory: Why? What does it mean? Lorelai: It means like, Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody. Rory: You're kidding. Lorelai: No. Rory: Well what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut? Lorelai: Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it. Rory: Wow. Biblical insults. This is an advanced school.
Lorelai: I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thronton thing really proves that
Lorelai: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'
Lorelai: I have earned the right not to be quizzed about my social life by my sixteen-year-old daughter. Rory: I thought I was your best friend. Lorelai: When we're at a U2 concert, you are my best friend. But right now you are my sixteen-year-old daughter and I am telling you I do not want to have this conversation.
Rory: So you did read this before. Jess: Yeah, about 40 times. Rory: I thought you said you didn't read much. Jess: What is much.
Lorelai: Schooch down now and go to sleep.
[she moves Rory's armchair] Rory: What are you doing? Lorelai: Nothing, just a little feng shui, go to sleep. Rory: Mom, you don't have to sleep in here tonight. Lorelai: I know, I just think the chair looks nice here. Rory: And what's the blanket for? Lorelai: In case the chair gets cold. Rory: And the pillow? Lorelai: To keep the blanket company. Rory: Uh-huh. Lorelai: Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing... oh yeah.
[sits down in chair] Lorelai: Goodnight. Rory: Freak of sideshow proportions. Lorelai: I love you, too. Rory: Mom? Lorelai: Hmm? Rory: I'm sorry. Lorelai: Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.
Jess: Yeah women right, can't live with 'em can't stop them from jumping in closets... go figure.
Rory: Yeah, as obvious as a man wearing sunglass with a dog selling pencils...
Lorelai: I miss Max. Rory: I know. Lorelai: I had a dream about him the other night. Rory: Really? Dirty? Lorelai: No. Absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer.
Jess: You didn't answer me. Rory: About what? Jess: Did you call me at all? Rory: No. Jess: Did you send me a letter? Rory: No. Jess: Postcard? Rory: No. Jess: Smoke signal? Rory: Stop. Jess: A nice fruit basket? Rory: Enough.
Jackson: I think we should get married. Sookie: But - uh, but... Jackson: Soon. Sookie: Are you pregnant?
Luke: Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no." And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no."
Jess: Why are you running so fast? Rory: Well our president says to exercise and I'm very patriotic.
Lorelai: What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible? Jess: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus. Lorelai: Very funny. Jess: Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.
Lorelai: You ruined my joke. Rory: Um, no, the punch line ruined your joke.
Luke: You go make her stop. Lorelai: I'm not going over there. Luke: Why not? You're a woman. Lorelai: So what? Luke: So you have the same parts. Lorelai: What? Luke: You shouldn't be scared of it. Lorelai: Scared of it? You know, you're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.
Rory: You have nothing better to do all day, then sit around and watch a dance marathon? Jess: I don't know
[looks at Dean and directs his question to him] Jess: Do you have anything better to do all day, then sit around and watch a dance marathon?
Luke: How about that one? Lorelai: Too pale. Pale means sickly. Luke: Or sunscreen. Lorelai: Or mad cow disease. Luke: Pale does not mean mad cow disease. Lorelai: Have you ever had mad cow disease? Luke: Twice last week and my coloring was great.
Lorelai: Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke. Rory: Was he naked? Lorelai: No. He was making breakfast. Rory: Naked? Lorelai: Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.
Paris: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like 'how' and 'why' and 'Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end.' will immediately fly out of people's mouths.
Paris: I can't do this. Rory: What? Paris: Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it. Rory: Not true. Paris: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
Lorelai: Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon. Rory: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me? Lorelai: Just a little. Rory: How much is a little? Lorelai: Learn Russian.
Lorelai: There goes my little girl, off to rule the world! Rory: Paris will be ruling the world, I will be holding the keys. Rory: Wow, you're pretty, you're smart. Now all you need as a drunken relative behind the scenes embarrassing you with every move they make. Rory: Will you get on that? Lorelai: I'm two steps ahead of you.
Michel: And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements. Lorelai: Well, that certainly calls for a "Dirty."
Lorelai: I think I have gangrene. Rory: You do not. Lorelai: And vertigo. Rory: Oh boy. Lorelai: And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other. Rory: This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn't it?
Luke: Ow. Lorelai: Luke, are you okay? Luke: Stupid box. Stupid lamp. Lorelai: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
Luke: You're gonna need a hospital, Taylor. Lorelai: Hit him. Rory: Which one? Lorelai: Either one, I'm easy.
[Jess' new car]
Luke: He paid you for it, right? Gypsy: Nothing's free at Gypsy's. Luke: And he paid cash? Gypsy: Mostly twenties. Luke: Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Newman or someone? Gypsy: Looked real to me. Luke: Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out? Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it. Luke: Really? Gypsy: No. Luke: Good. Gypsy: Guys are stupid.
